


Bohemian Rhapsody

by LeahCat



Series: In the Spirit of Song [24]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: BAMF Dean, Based on a Queen Song, Depressed Castiel, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Protective Dean Winchester, Suicidal Castiel, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-02
Updated: 2017-01-02
Packaged: 2018-09-14 02:20:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9153238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeahCat/pseuds/LeahCat
Summary: Nothing really matters,Anyone can see,Nothing really matters,Nothing really matters to me.





	

**Author's Note:**

> ***WARNING***
> 
> This story may be triggering to some readers, please read the tags listed above if you believe you may be triggered by this story. Read at your own risk. You've been warned.
> 
> \---  
> Story was beta read by bringmesomepie

_Is this the real life?_

_Is this just fantasy?_

_Caught in a landslide,_

_No escape from reality._

Birds flew past the window. It casted a shadow for a split second against Castiel’s pale skin. The sun was shining as bright as ever outside; only a few clouds would cover it every once in a while. Trees blew when strong gust of wind would capture its branches.

               Nature always was a mystery to Castiel. Why did the sun shine so bright when it was so cold outside? Why did birds chirp out loud at random moments? Why did the tree decide to grow pinecones instead of tasty cherries? Why was his heart still beating?

               The inside of Cas’s apartment caused contrast to the outside world. Inside was darker, except for a dim light on his bedside table. He hadn’t bothered to change the light out although it was about to burn out. Everything dies, right?

               The chair Cas sat on was wooden. It was right next to the window so he could look out at the very thing he had trouble grasping the purpose of. Nature – life.

               His door was shut, so he was unable to look at the disaster outside of his room. His boyfriend, Dean, wouldn’t be home for another hour so he had time for what he had planned.

               His legs were spread with his arms in-between them. Cas’s back was curved downward with his face close to the floor. The hunk of black metal stared at him.

 

_Any way the wind blows doesn't really matter to me_

* * *

 

_Mama, just killed a man,_

_Put a gun against his head,_

_Pulled my trigger, now he's dead._

_Mama, life had just begun,_

_But now I've gone and thrown it all away._

               He remembered it like it was yesterday. The way his mother’s face changed from a loving mother to a disgusted monster. The way her voice changed from charming to disgraceful. When her eyes stopped shining, and seemed to turn red with what almost seemed like rage. He remembered.

               He had just turned 18 years old. It was the same year he met the love of his life, Dean Winchester. It was love at first sight for Castiel. They dated each other in secret for nearly 6 months, when they decided it was time to come out.

               He had prepared it all out. He knew exactly what he was going to say, and what he would say back to his mother if she didn’t agree with his life choices. Dean was telling his parents at the same time. Castiel never had a father, so he only had his mother to tell.

               “Hey Mama,” He said with a grin as he hugged his mother’s neck and kissed her cheek. There was still a shine to her eyes, and happiness when she said, “Hey Cassie!”

               They had small talk for a long while before Castiel knew he had to stop stalling what had to be said. He was prepared.

               “Mama,” Castiel spoke softly, as his mother looked him straight into his crystal blue eyes. “I have to tell you something.”

               Silence took over the room for a beat, then, “Well, go on then!” She was so eager and peppy that Castiel almost backed out. He didn’t want even the smallest chance of her getting upset over it.

               “Mama, I’m,” his voice cracks, “gay.”

               That’s the moment it all changed; her face, her voice, her attitude, her eyes. They all lost any hope of happiness that was left. It was all replaced with disgust, disgrace, and disappointment.

               “No…” She almost said more to herself than to him. “Mama, please understand, that this doesn’t change anything. I’m still your little Cassie.” He tries to make the mood lighter, but it seemed like all it did was make things worse.

               “Doesn’t change anything? My son is a faggot…” She whimpered as tears built up in her eyes.

“Mama, please,”

“Don’t call me that! Not anymore! Not ever again!” She screams at him as if he was a criminal stealing her money.

“Mama-“

“Get out!” She yelled. Castiel felt the inside of his stomach flip. She was kicking him out. He shook his head as he stepped backwards. Words were trying to form in his mouth but none seemed to escape his lips.

“I said get out!” She sobbed and like that Castiel ran out the door, not realizing he’d never come back ever again. He was dead to her now. It was as if he was shot, and someone was trying to replace him.

_Carry on, carry on as if nothing really matters._

* * *

 

_Too late, my time has come,_

_Sends shivers down my spine,_

_Body's aching all the time._

_Goodbye, everybody, I've got to go,_

_Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth._

 

               The way his back was arched made him seem so small. The clock on the wall ticked, as did the watch on his wrist. Every minute, something good was happening to someone and in that same moment, something bad was happening to another.

               Is this a good or bad moment? Castiel looked from foot to foot, deciding. Dean would miss him, but would anyone else even care? Wouldn’t Dean just find another man that isn’t solemnly depressed? It’s for the better, isn’t it?

               Castiel looked back out the window. Two ducks were in the pond near their house together; two male mallards to be exact. It made Cas smile wishing he could be one of those mallards. Ducks were one of the few animals that could end up gay. They would find their mate, and sometimes it would be a boy and they would live together until one of them died.

               Lives for ducks were so simple. They would learn how to swim, find a mate, and die; simple. Of course Castiel was born a human with emotions that the ducks didn’t seem to have.

               A cloud blocked the sun, and the outside instantly felt gloomier. The flowers and weeds in the grass danced, as the wind got stronger and the outside began to get a bit colder.

               He closed the blinds so that he couldn’t see out there anymore. The mat black hunk of metal that he was holding seemed to get heavier by the seconds. It seemed even blacker without the sun shining onto it. Time continued to tick on.

_I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all._

* * *

 

 _So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye?_  
So you think you can love me and leave me to die?  
Oh, baby, can't do this to me, baby,  
Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here.

 

               An hour had past and Dean would be home any minute now. The gun he held grew heavier and heavier and it felt like his arm might fall off. The ticking seemed to get faster; just like his heartbeat.

               He had to do it before Dean got home. Castiel was pacing around the room, thinking of the pros and cons of him dying. The room is spinning so fast that it is almost like he isn’t moving at all. It is as if the floor is dragging him by his feet into his own head. His vision is blurry, and he couldn’t tell if it was from the room spinning or from the wetness on his cheeks.

               The birds are no longer tweeting, and the wind isn’t howling, nor is the sun shining. When did it get so dark?

               Cas looks down at the object in his hand, and bites his lip, falling into his knees. He shakes as he pulls the gun up to side of his head. He doesn’t want to do this. He does want to do this. No he—

               “Cas…” He hears the calm voice and instantly knows it is Dean coming in just in time to save him. “Baby, put the gun down…” Cas knows he is trying to seem like he isn’t worried, but he had known him too long to know he was.

               He felt a droplet run down his cheek, but didn’t move his hand from the side of his head. He has to do it. What else can he do?

               “Please, Cas, put the gun down…” Dean said softly, walking closer to Cas at a very slow pace.

               “What else am I supposed to do?” Castiel sobbed out. His voice doesn’t even sound like his own at this point.

               “Not this, Cas, anything but this…” Dean was very close to Castiel at this point. “Put it down for me, please.” He begged.

               Cas lets the black metal slide from his grip onto the floor, and Dean was instantly wrapping him into his arms like a blanket. “I don’t wanna die…” Cas sobbed into Dean’s shoulder, grabbing at his plaid shirt. “Ssh, you’re not gonna die. I’m right here.”

               Dean kissed his temple, and rubbed his back.

               The next hour was spent with them both in bed, with Dean’s arms wrapped protectively around his husband’s body. Castiel was cold, under 3 blankets and Dean. His eyes hurt from crying and his heart didn’t want to calm down. Dean kissed at him until he slowly began to fall asleep.

When he awoke the next morning, the sun was back and shining. The birds were chirping once again, but something was there was not the day before; Dean.

               He had the window open, while his shadow casted down on the floor from the sun. He wasn’t gonna die. He was with Dean so what even mattered?

Nothing really mattered.

 

_Any way the wind blows._


End file.
